The big question on my mind is when did flirtation turn into an affair? When did it happen? Where? Was it when chatting became a daily routine? When talking about music, goats, and planes began to matter? Precious little of what we talked about was sexual, in fact I can only remember it being mentioned once. "What are you into? This that and the other, you?" "Not x, everything else is very much negotiable?" Was that when it started?
Or was it when, getting called on the images projected, I admitted the lie and and frantically did everything to change the now tainted impression? Perhaps. And yet I somehow think it was earlier. Why should I have cared? Why did I wait somewhat anxiously for your reply? Was happy when you said you'd gotten it. "give me time to digest this." "ok" and yet I was there every time you turned up in "our" place, ready, saying hello, hoping. It was too late then. A dog could not have wagged its tail more eagerly, wanting to please. "I think we should talk , on the phone". I was apprehensive, but still I phoned you. The number graciously provied. "you sound more Glaswegian than I thought" "well, that's just me, pick up accents quickly. It's me though, honest, really, the German." "oh I can detect the accent. Listen..." You sounded different, too. Not what I expected. "Friends is fine by me" we both decided. You have your man, I have mine. And still gehst du Kerl mir nicht aus dem Kopf.
Then silence. until we next met in "our space". I hadn't been there in a few days, work , culture my man had kept me away. Then you said "hello". "how are things?" "fine, too much work, the usual..." "I'll be in town" You had been, so recently, I remembered. "why ?" "need to get some clothes, didn't get it all done last week." And then the question, the one I had hoped for and yet not expected. "Do you want to get together?" "No," I say, "too much work." but there is the excitement, the strange feeling in my stomach. The chat continued. Normal stuff. You are back in form, tired still but healthier. Oh, what the hell. "Yes, let's meet. Work can wait. I'll just have to pick up the slack somewhere else." "Are you sure?" "yes". The minutes stretch, the conversation suddenly purposeful, driven. The date is set, so is the time. A place to meet decided upon quickly. We'll meet. Talk. Like Friends to be. I'm comitted now. Won't let you down. It's not in my nature.
The set day: work is tedious. I'm unfocused. A slushy feeling in my stomach, only good to focus on one thing. And although I dash home and even change my pants I don't understand that this is an affair. Blank it out, completely, live for the moment. Angst ridden, nervous. Itake the bus psych myself up. The music of my teenage years for distraction. The bus arrives, I'm early. Get off a stop earlier then I need, just can't bear it. Being sixteen again, stagefright. Best to walk it out of the system. Forgot to put on aftershave, great. And no deodorant to be gotton anywhere. Well, you are outdoorsy and rugged and I hope you won't mind. I'm at the meeting point. You say my name, come from behind, and here is me thinking I'd spot you first. Rubbish.
Sunday 23 November 2008
Thursday 20 November 2008
Deep thoughts and emotional turmoil
I supose it is entirely possible that the seven year hump drags n into year 8 and 9 of a relationship. Things remain unsaid that should have been talked about. Little things get blown out of all proportions as a knock-on effect of this.
The question on my mind is, though is it normal that after this length of time the relationship with your partner feels more like being flatmates that lovers? You live together, you sleep in the same bed if for less often at the same time. There are moments of tenderness as well as passion but they have taken the back seat.
Intellectually I suppose the physical side of the relationship might be negligible but I am not intellectual. Being physical together is important to me. Sleeping together in the same bed at the same time is important to me, it is a very physical sign of appreciation.
We've never given eachother many cuddles outside our beds and that is wrong too. These days I feel I get more hugs from my colleagues than my man.
I'm sure there are things that bug Frank about me, like the amount of weight I've gained in the last 5 years and my tendency to be messy. I can live with the second, am not sure about the first but the things that really hurt me were when he called me pompous and arrogant and the fact that he does not actually take the time to listen and think about what my thoughts are on some matters. He might not agree with me on somethings and I don't claim to agree on everything with him but at least I try to listen and see where he comes from. or what he does. Somehow in the attribution of blame I feel putting on weight is a far lesser "crime" than turning yourself into an alcoholic. You can ask whether the one begets the other until the cows come home it is a chicken and egg scenario into which external factors have been introduced that work on internal motivations. Nonetheless they will need to be addressed.
And in the middle of it all the question of whether there is an excuse for selfishness on grounds of self-preservation.
A new player has entered the field, well been made to join more like, and now there is emotional upheaval. I know Frank and I had a good thing for a long time. I know we should try and work on it and yet there is doubt as to whether it might not be better to stop?
The question on my mind is, though is it normal that after this length of time the relationship with your partner feels more like being flatmates that lovers? You live together, you sleep in the same bed if for less often at the same time. There are moments of tenderness as well as passion but they have taken the back seat.
Intellectually I suppose the physical side of the relationship might be negligible but I am not intellectual. Being physical together is important to me. Sleeping together in the same bed at the same time is important to me, it is a very physical sign of appreciation.
We've never given eachother many cuddles outside our beds and that is wrong too. These days I feel I get more hugs from my colleagues than my man.
I'm sure there are things that bug Frank about me, like the amount of weight I've gained in the last 5 years and my tendency to be messy. I can live with the second, am not sure about the first but the things that really hurt me were when he called me pompous and arrogant and the fact that he does not actually take the time to listen and think about what my thoughts are on some matters. He might not agree with me on somethings and I don't claim to agree on everything with him but at least I try to listen and see where he comes from. or what he does. Somehow in the attribution of blame I feel putting on weight is a far lesser "crime" than turning yourself into an alcoholic. You can ask whether the one begets the other until the cows come home it is a chicken and egg scenario into which external factors have been introduced that work on internal motivations. Nonetheless they will need to be addressed.
And in the middle of it all the question of whether there is an excuse for selfishness on grounds of self-preservation.
A new player has entered the field, well been made to join more like, and now there is emotional upheaval. I know Frank and I had a good thing for a long time. I know we should try and work on it and yet there is doubt as to whether it might not be better to stop?
Monday 21 July 2008
Tuesday 15 July 2008
NOM NOM NOM
Got up early and made it into town to be the first customer of the day at Chinatown. Had Hom Sui Gok, that's savoury meat croquettes to you and me. Yummy.
Even found a recipe to make them earlier today, so I went into the market and then up to
See Woo to get what was left. Let the cooking commence - well, later maybe. Summer holidays are long for just that reason.
Went to volleyball last night as well and was knackered afterwards - 4 aside games on full courts. Still, I haven't played that well in years.
Even found a recipe to make them earlier today, so I went into the market and then up to
See Woo to get what was left. Let the cooking commence - well, later maybe. Summer holidays are long for just that reason.
Went to volleyball last night as well and was knackered afterwards - 4 aside games on full courts. Still, I haven't played that well in years.
Monday 14 July 2008
It's been a while...
Worked hard these past few weeks at getting a theatre event off the ground for Halloween this year. As it stands, the timescale is tight. Very tight. Provided that the script is ready and that I manage to get support from SMT on this thing, auditions and rehearsals have to start pretty much from the day kids are back in school.
But like I said, at this point in time there isn't even a full script ready.
Initially I had planned for a low-key affair of classic ghost and horror stories being read by the kids. This rapidly changed to 2 guided tours through the building, each following their own distinct route and stories, with the audience being swapped after the interval.
In the course of selecting material for the show, Frank (who has been helping me immensely) and I tested both the concept as such as well as the stories selected on Lee and Susan (our friends) who were shocked and suggested that if we stuck to the initial plan the school might be sued for "mentally scarring pupils for life".
A change had to be made. And it was a big one. We re-examined the stories, went back to other sources and have now come up with a more child friendly evening. There is going to be the framing narrative of the house sale which forms the backdrop to the evening's stories being told. There still are 2 tours, one to be lead by the housekeeper and former nanny, the other by the groundsman. We invented a story for them. Then, taking Dean Koontz story of The Black Pumpkin as inspiration we invented a narrative thread that linked all the previous occupants' fates with the Koontz story while adapting Lovecraft's Statement of Randolph Carter and some other folk tales/urban legends. All this happened during the evenings over at ZUM BAHNDAMM in Dortmund, where Frank and I spent a lovely few days.
Now, all that remains is to write the play (It's turning into a bit of an Albatross round my neck, how very Gothic) and then sort out the logistics.
But like I said, at this point in time there isn't even a full script ready.
Initially I had planned for a low-key affair of classic ghost and horror stories being read by the kids. This rapidly changed to 2 guided tours through the building, each following their own distinct route and stories, with the audience being swapped after the interval.
In the course of selecting material for the show, Frank (who has been helping me immensely) and I tested both the concept as such as well as the stories selected on Lee and Susan (our friends) who were shocked and suggested that if we stuck to the initial plan the school might be sued for "mentally scarring pupils for life".
A change had to be made. And it was a big one. We re-examined the stories, went back to other sources and have now come up with a more child friendly evening. There is going to be the framing narrative of the house sale which forms the backdrop to the evening's stories being told. There still are 2 tours, one to be lead by the housekeeper and former nanny, the other by the groundsman. We invented a story for them. Then, taking Dean Koontz story of The Black Pumpkin as inspiration we invented a narrative thread that linked all the previous occupants' fates with the Koontz story while adapting Lovecraft's Statement of Randolph Carter and some other folk tales/urban legends. All this happened during the evenings over at ZUM BAHNDAMM in Dortmund, where Frank and I spent a lovely few days.
Now, all that remains is to write the play (It's turning into a bit of an Albatross round my neck, how very Gothic) and then sort out the logistics.
Sunday 17 February 2008
Superbad
Just watched "superbad" with my lovely man and gotta say it made me think of home and my best mate Freddie aka Terrok Windgaenger. It's weird how much you miss people when you and they don't live in the same country anymore. Freddie and I went to Bochum Uni together in Germany and while we were there were the best mates. Noone could wish for a better friend than him. I truly am happy and blessed to have him. He is the kind of guy you can call at 3 in the morning if something is bothering you and who doesn't mind too much.
He is currently working on his PhD in Berlin which is a long way away from Glasgow, or so it seems. Effectively its just a two hour easyjet flight but hey, unless you actually hop on that plane it feels like light years.
Anyhow, enough of this sentimental rambling. If you read this mate I just want you to to know I love you Freddie Jagust.
Oh, and I blame the movie for this outburst. So there McLovin, you filled that pipe, now smoke it.
Saturday 16 February 2008
hello everybody
This is my first attempt at writing a blog, so welcome, and bear with me.
The weather out here in Glasgow has been nice and sunny for most of this week, which given the time of year, was unusual but made a welcome change from the "wettest winter of the millennium" theme.
This week as been an interesting one. I've been of work due to the school holidays and have started on a project for my fourth year class. After putting together a ppt on dystopias in an attempt to provide them with some background knowledge before letting them loose on Blade Runner, I have just finished watching it (again after about 10 years) and must say it is a good movie but not appropriate material for my class. A shame really.
I also watched Inland Empire earlier in the week and was fairly baffled and in parts annoyed with David Lynch. Mind you it was far more intriguing than Mulholland Drive.
The weather out here in Glasgow has been nice and sunny for most of this week, which given the time of year, was unusual but made a welcome change from the "wettest winter of the millennium" theme.
This week as been an interesting one. I've been of work due to the school holidays and have started on a project for my fourth year class. After putting together a ppt on dystopias in an attempt to provide them with some background knowledge before letting them loose on Blade Runner, I have just finished watching it (again after about 10 years) and must say it is a good movie but not appropriate material for my class. A shame really.
I also watched Inland Empire earlier in the week and was fairly baffled and in parts annoyed with David Lynch. Mind you it was far more intriguing than Mulholland Drive.
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